I am becoming that mom. You know which mom. That mom. The mom who acts cool and nonchalant (as long as he’s happy!) about her kid’s sports but spends the whole practice annoyed that he’s showboating and not listening to the teacher. The one that sort of nudges him not to play hockey like he wants, but gee, don’t you think you’d like soccer better? Because hockey is insanely expensive and time-consuming and would involve me spending a lot of time in a sunless, freezing ice rink while you get your teeth knocked out.
Not to mention my son does not have the killer instinct. He’s just so … nice. Last week at skating he spent an inordinate amount of time trying to buddy up to this kid who was, let’s put it diplomatically here, a total dipshit. He was bigger than Liam, with a stupid face and a piggy nose and he wasn’t all that nice to Liam. I’d never seen him before, certainly not in Liam’s class, but they and another little boy were playing with a hockey foosball game before practice and this kid kept trying to hog the controls and elbow Liam out. And Liam’s just not the sort of kid to stand his ground and elbow his way back in. It’s just not in his nature. Eventually I had to step in and remind “you guys” -by which I mean you, you little brat- to share. When it was time to go to class, the boy wouldnt go. Liam said to him, “Come on! Let’s go!” but the boy ignored Liam and just stood there, pretending not to listen. Liam asked him a couple more times and finally I said, “Liam, he’s not ready yet. You go on ahead and don’t worry about him.”
During class, the boy kept effing around with his stupid moony face, falling down and being a loser and proving to me that I have no business in any sort of career involving pediatrics, and Liam kept making a point of waiting up for him. Rather than keep up with the other students doing their drills, Liam would stop and slow down for this kid. At one point Liam actually offered his hand and helped the kid up off the ice, which he has never done before.
And the whole time I’m thinking, “Liam, let this deadweight GO.” And it dawned on me that I really am, deep down, that mom. I don’t really want him to be happy. I mean, I do, but what I really want is for him to be happy because he is a success. I want him to win. I want him to be first. I want him to be the best. And I don’t want some misplaced sense of camaraderie for a little shit he doesn’t even know, who isn’t even nice to him, to drag him down. I wonder how he’s going to fly with the eagles when he insists on hanging around with turkeys. I wonder what sort of group he’s going to fall in with at school, how that will ultimately affect his academic and career success. It’s not that I want him to become some sort of jerk. It’s just that I never want to see him suffer. I want him to be and have and do absolutely everything he has coming to him and I don’t want outside influences to hold him back from reaching his full potential. He may not be looking out for No. 1, but I’m his mother and I’m always looking out for him. Of course, I do acknowledge the selfish trickle-down, that if my children are a success, then it reflects well on me, although the correct thing to say is that I don’t care about that. But anyone who says they dont care about how their children reflect on them is a dirty liar. Otherwise you wouldn’t even bother to teach them decent manners and let them trash the grocery store and shout during church.
The reality check here is, of course, that he’s FOUR. And he’s not a loser. It’s entirely possible, nay, probable, that my son is a better human being than I am. That his happiness and success aren’t mine to define. That his gentleness and generosity of spirit could be an asset, rather than a hindrance. That in a society that is increasingly every man for himself, sink or swim, someone like Liam is even more special and even more needed. Someone who would help someone up, include someone who’s friendless, when there’s nothing in it for him, may very well be considered naive and may not achieve societal or financial success. But he’s already successful as a person.
Too bad they don’t test for that for kindergarten.